May 24, 2013 // 1:29 AM
"But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required."
― Luke 12:48 (NLT)
Met up with Maria earlier in the day for lunch and then an afternoon of aimless walking around town, before I headed to Clarke Quay for work. We were talking about certain things, and she mentioned this to me, "When more is given, more is expected." And I didn't even realize that she had referred to a Bible verse, until I decided to Google it.
This line kind of reminds me of the Spiderman quote, "With great power comes great responsibility." But being "given" things can be defined in the most abstract sense. Even the most financially disadvantaged person can claim that he has been given much. How do we quantify gifts, then?
It's a silly question to ask in such a context, because I doubt that this is related to what the verse is trying to put forth. Amidst all the inequalities in the world, I suppose it is unreasonable to demand or expect more than someone has the capacity to give. Which leads me to another question: How much is expected of me? This begs the question of how much I have been given in the first place.
I definitely cannot quantify all that I've been given. I am abundantly blessed; I have been given more than I'll ever be able to repay. As much as I try to avoid social comparison (for it is the root of all jealousy and envy), I can't help but wonder if I were another person, someone who received the things I could only dream of.
In psychological terms, we call this "high in the need for intimacy". In simple English, "desperate". A line in Captivating, one of the books I'm reading now, stuck with me. Why is it that we women constantly feel "not enough" or "too much", sometimes both at the same time? It is a question I have asked myself time and time again. How do I be whoever I need to be, in order to not be the inadequate and desperate girl, but instead to be an able and stable young woman who is greatly desired and respected?
How can I be built into that woman of godly character, that woman who fearlessly seeks God's heart? How can I be someone who not only knows
that she is worthy of being loved, but who also is
greatly loved? How can I ask for such love and affection, when the one whom I am asking is not even in the capacity to give that love that I seek? How could I have the audacity to demand so much from someone, to expect a privilege that isn't even warranted?
I suppose, then, the answer lies in the One who gives abundantly, the One who is the source of true love, the One who never needed to justify His love for me. Such a love is not lonely; it is uplifting, it is abundant, and it makes me worthy
Help me, dear Lord, to recognize Your love for me, and to appreciate it in the best way that I can.
The names of two ghosts popped up tonight. I think I have too many ghosts, and the sucky part of having all these ghosts is that you can never get rid of them; they are part of your past, and the best that you can do is to have them stay there. Never allow a ghost to contaminate your present.
Labels: God, life, loss, love, quotes, self, strangers, writing
May 20, 2013 // 12:34 PM
Loving you has been
a long, arduous, and incomplete sentence -
with words so carelessly crafted
and severely misinterpreted.
Went over to Temasek Hall last night for a spontaneous sleepover with Mel.
It's rare, but so amazing, when you discover a friend whose sentiments resonate with your own. Though both of you may have distinctly different personalities, the little yet important things that you both appreciate set up special bond between the two of you.
And I like finding friends like that; though I may not always have something to say to them, I know I can carry them in a special corner of my heart. Because sometimes we don't need words that are expressive enough to convey how we feel. All we need is that simple acknowledgement, that slight nod that says, "I get exactly what you mean", and it is more than enough.
The talk with Mel last night kept me up. It's ironic how nights are supposed to be spent sleeping, yet we spend times like these thinking the most, contemplating the relationships in our lives and wondering what they really mean to us.
Do you know how it feels to constantly want to protect and watch over someone so cherished?
Do you shuttle to and from the same few important people whom you don't know how not to love? You don't know what exactly it is that you feel for them, and by extracting these emotions in a tangible form they end up losing their very essence. What is it that ties us to these people? What is it that makes it impossible for us to completely detach ourselves from them?
Do you know what it means to be that small voice, that one-sided lover, who desires only to care for these people and to nurture them in all ways possible? You ask for nothing in return, except the simple knowledge that they are happy, and they are well.
I'm still battling with these thoughts and concerns, and trying to morph situations into what I want them to be. I don't want to be troubled by this because I know I don't need to be. And I'm increasingly becoming more afraid of some of my emotions because of how people react to them. There is little worse than having the people whom you love fear and repel you.
Labels: friends, love, poetry, self, strangers, writing
May 19, 2013 // 8:27 PM
While my memory of today is still clear I shall write about it. I'm pretty exhausted from waking up early this morning and walking the entire day, but all the effort I put in was worthwhile because I was able to put together a wonderful adventure for a very special friend.
T asked me to put together an adventure for him, and he asked me to surprise him too. Of course I complied, because I love adventures and surprises. I thought for a long while before I finally came up with a plan: to create a bucket list and have him complete various tasks throughout the day. After extensive research online I managed to devise a route that brought us to places within walking distance from each other, while allowing the possibility of other explorations. I didn't make it so easy though (although I didn't expect that he would be so bad with directions that finding a location itself would be a challenge for him haha), so I included tasks like doing jump shots in different places, talking to strangers, and also sneaking into restricted places. God blessed the weather today even though the weather forecast told me that it would be raining the entire week ahead. Praise God!
Our final stop was Strangers' Reunion, a cosy but crowded cafe. Like he said, it was an apt place for our last destination. T and I first met as strangers who then had nothing in common except for the fact that we were attending the same camp. In fact, when we first met, we didn't even know how the other looked like. (Go figure, haha!) Though it seemed fortuitous, we got along really well, better than expected. Maybe it was the unusual context in which we met, maybe it was serendipity, or maybe we just happened to have very complementary personalities, but we both believe that everything happens for a good reason. Through the years I've grown to see this friendship as indispensable, and he's one of the few people for whom I will never stop wishing a life of joy and purpose.
On the way home Pris chatted with me over whatsapp, and it was great talking to her because I've missed her so much. Our clashing school timetables have made meeting up so difficult, but hopefully I'll be able to see her this week during one of her lunch breaks. She encouraged me with some of the most amazing words, and I'm so glad to be blessed by her.
Meeting Mel later tonight, super excited! x
(And watch this space! I will be uploading photos from today when I'm free again.)
Labels: adventures, friends, love, strangers, writing